Hello!
Some of you may know me as the author of the Age of Kali Zine and website which speaks about Krishna Consciousness, spiritual life, and natural living. You may have met me at a temple or at the Burning Man festival.
Some of you may think I am a good devotee and preacher of spirituality and love of God.
However, I feel compelled within my heart to share some truths. These truths make me feel a little bit like a faker, putting on a show of preaching love, when really I have a lot to work on myself.
My spiritual master always said that before we can make an offering to Krishna, God, we have to make up with our brother first.
I have hurt some people in my life, and am holding grudges rather than forgiving, and I feel I must go public with this in order to clear my consciousness.
I broke my vows to my spiritual master, unable to follow the basic pinciples I vowed to follow for life. I left the simple life at the ashram, and proposed marriage to another person on the spiritual path. I made many vows to her, promising to care for her for life and to never ever leave her. I told her I wanted to work through difficulties no matter how tough it would be. However, after a short few months, I was not able to follow my vows and left her. I was also mean to her, getting mad at her when she wanted to follow the principles.
A few days after leaving her, I got together with another girl who I had moved in with just as platonic roomates. This is the very girl my ex fiancee warned me about - she suspected if we spent too much time together, we would be tempted to be together. I got very mad at my ex fiancee for saying these things, but a few days later she was right.
When my new girlfriend Kunti was away in China, I cheated on her with my ex fiancee and then lied to Kunti about it. I had promised Kunti that whie she was away I would stay faithful to her, but as soon as my ex was in my presence, I could not control myself. My ex asked me one thing - that after getting together again like this, the least I could do would be to remain supportive and kind, and stay in touch, and to please never ever cut off contact.
Some of you may know me as the author of the Age of Kali Zine and website which speaks about Krishna Consciousness, spiritual life, and natural living. You may have met me at a temple or at the Burning Man festival.
Some of you may think I am a good devotee and preacher of spirituality and love of God.
However, I feel compelled within my heart to share some truths. These truths make me feel a little bit like a faker, putting on a show of preaching love, when really I have a lot to work on myself.
My spiritual master always said that before we can make an offering to Krishna, God, we have to make up with our brother first.
I have hurt some people in my life, and am holding grudges rather than forgiving, and I feel I must go public with this in order to clear my consciousness.
I broke my vows to my spiritual master, unable to follow the basic pinciples I vowed to follow for life. I left the simple life at the ashram, and proposed marriage to another person on the spiritual path. I made many vows to her, promising to care for her for life and to never ever leave her. I told her I wanted to work through difficulties no matter how tough it would be. However, after a short few months, I was not able to follow my vows and left her. I was also mean to her, getting mad at her when she wanted to follow the principles.
A few days after leaving her, I got together with another girl who I had moved in with just as platonic roomates. This is the very girl my ex fiancee warned me about - she suspected if we spent too much time together, we would be tempted to be together. I got very mad at my ex fiancee for saying these things, but a few days later she was right.
When my new girlfriend Kunti was away in China, I cheated on her with my ex fiancee and then lied to Kunti about it. I had promised Kunti that whie she was away I would stay faithful to her, but as soon as my ex was in my presence, I could not control myself. My ex asked me one thing - that after getting together again like this, the least I could do would be to remain supportive and kind, and stay in touch, and to please never ever cut off contact.
The very next day I felt so badly about my lack of self control, that I did the very thing she ased me not to do - I cut off all contact with ex fiancee who was feeling very hurt. She was repeatedly trying her best to make up with me and bring us back together out of duty to God and our spiritual teachers and society. She had also made vows to me to stay faithful no matter what and serve with me for life, so no matter how hurt she felt she was trying very hard to stick to her vows for the sake of love and integrity. She wanted to work through the difficulties rather than running away to find real love rather than sense gratification.
I kept telling her that, "I can do what I want, I can choose who I want to associate with, and if I don't want to be with you anymore that is my choice". So much for commitment and duty which is what real marriage is about.
She is right, but I always run away. That is why I feel like a cheater. Today,three months later, she called me up to try to heal old wounds, but I simply hung up on her and told her I do not want to associate with her. She called again and reminded me the importance of forgivness and love in spiritual life, and that she was willing to put her hurt aside for the sake of Krishna and spiritual life, but I am such a jerk I could not agree to be kind and make up or to even apologize.
So much for all my promises in the past to never leave her and to love and serve her for life no matter what.
She is right, but I always run away. That is why I feel like a cheater. Today,three months later, she called me up to try to heal old wounds, but I simply hung up on her and told her I do not want to associate with her. She called again and reminded me the importance of forgivness and love in spiritual life, and that she was willing to put her hurt aside for the sake of Krishna and spiritual life, but I am such a jerk I could not agree to be kind and make up or to even apologize.
So much for all my promises in the past to never leave her and to love and serve her for life no matter what.
The truth is, I am not a devotee, or a preacher, but just a mean person, a cheater and two timer, trying to serve Krishna as I can.
I ask that none of you see me as a great preacher, but as the person that I am.
I needed to come out publicly with this to clear my consciousness. I hurt very much another person on the spiritual path and am still not willing to change in order to make up, forgive, apologize, and find real love. She was a confident, happy person, and now she is full of self doubt and pain due to my behavior.
Thank you.
Hare Krishna
Your servant,
Giriraj Gopal Das, aka John Chavez
